Not Just Another Scuttlebutt

I can't believe I'm back to blogging with the same old feeling. It's not really much of a feeling or a big deal but I can't help but think about it. Am I just jinxed or we just ran out of guys who atleast selectively flirts to any girl whom he knows that is interested at him? Because seriously, most guys I met nowadays can't seem to pull their pants properly on place. They can't seem to tame "their thing" even if they're in a relationship, married or even to have already given someone a mutual understanding of a budding relatonship. It's really frustrating and shameful to other decent guys out there on how their fellow species have become. Self restraint is rapidly vanishing and guys nowadays are no difference from bitches. Of course I'm not a manhater. It's just that I found a basis on my observation's statistics. I even found these initial signs of cheating symptoms to all guys I met through the dating sites. I haven't met anyone of them personally yet, thank God for that. Probably because of how I stalk people online which I think I'm blessed to discover the skills on how to do it. I'd better be cautious than not at all. I'm quite proud enough that I found out what are these guys are and what he is mainly and partly. Evidences are obviously presented. Well, I have the right to remain silent on whatever that is. The thing is, one should never led on someone. Unfortunately I can say, I am a little bit dragged into that portion. I know it's my fault too. Human as I am, I am not bulletproofed to any man who's gonna give me romantic attention, a man to whom I am also honest with expressing my interest, and the intention of keeping him as the one. Perhaps my understanding is exaggerated? The more I had a conversation with someone, the more expectations are built. He just might be so dense or he just lost his interest in taking us up into the next level, of whatever level that is. Furthermore, of course I didn't like what he did to me and to other girls. He should have said he's currently seeing somebody and won't left me hanging on the corner 2nd, 3rd, 4th on his list of options. I can openly see his profile everywhere waving his availability and dumb strategies to lure clueless girls. He probably doesn't know Mr. Google much. I know I deserve someone much better. Someone who'd not slap me a silence of disinterests, unreasonable alibis and an O as in "Option" in my forehead. Such a scuttlebutt indeed.

The Night Falls Again

Yeah I had a problem and I finally figured it out now. I'm probably jinxed at but it's kinda frustrating when you have decided to once again give yourself a try to someone, everything falls down. I hate how I can see people on the line. See their identity marketed for fun and supposedly "something serious".

I know I know right to judge. I'd rather keep things in my head as I might say anything not nice or could hurt someone because I look at them differently. I know I am unfair. I make decisions right away. I hate expectations. I was once drown by it and that probably was the reason why I'm stuck. I still can't forgive myself for not keeping my pride at one time. I don't have a choice, and if ever I do have, I don't want to wait. I don't want myself to get carried away again by another misleading treatment and my overwhelming assumptions.

Getting myself hurt from the past most probably made me wrapped up with the thought that, nobody deserves my all. That one person whom I am tired waiting of seems non existent. The longing of being possessed by trust and affection will never come.

I lost the person I intended to keep.

The Typical Guy

Well for the 4th time around, I therefore conclude what they are. I haven't met the ones my father told me. I'd rather be respected than being called beautiful.

The song below is of course dedicated to all the guys who keep banging women as much as they can. They don't even realize why women became bitter towards them. I know men are not the same but based on what I experience they evolved negatively worst. They scream women is ruined by Feminism yet they don't even realize they're hurting women. Yes, men get hurt as well but for now, I am speaking about myself. I am not asking your opinion. I lost my pride for someone I choose even if I haven't saw him for real.  I fall for for someone who's very physical and conceals himself for criticism, not knowing I already saw him after he broke my heart.

Unfortunately, even after I saw him in YouTube, my feelings doesn't change even a bit. I never really care even if he's that fat or even very skinny, who smokes pot drug, woman hater, deals with hoes, has had a bad past with troubled ex-girlfriends, even he becomes bald or whatever he might become.

It's just so unfair why I felt this way for a guy who doesn't even mean what he's telling. I hate what I've become lately. I hate the lies he made. It seems like I love hurting myself more from seeing what he's doing with some other girls. I can see myself from them being just played. Yes, he still occupies the biggest part of my thoughts and although I don't want him back, I still hoped he'd grow. I can't deny I love him still. It's unbelievable. I played my part and he still choose to go. I want to move on and I'm getting there slowly.

How about a lame advertisement? (Let's give him ONE traffic though)

Green Tea

Yes, I am a tea fan especially milk tea. I prefer it with crackers usually at mid noon snacks or midnight snacks. I got hooked since a co-teacher advised me to try milk teas to get rid of pimples and the rest is history.

I'm into the clear green as well. I love them even if it's so yuck! That's what they told me but I got used to the awkward taste. I love its hotness down to my tummy! ;-)

For a healthier life! :-)

I'm back again. I'm feeling much better now. After all the Facebook spying, I finally accepted that the jerk is officially a jerk and loves to be chased by girls. So after a large pail of cold water poured into my head, I can say I'm used to his histrionic personality disorder. Well, let's say I am a so loyal friend now and playing his game as well. Ignorance really is his new bestfriend. How I wish I could tell these poor girls what he's after. Well, it's their life. I can't do anything about it but to sing my favorites, lol.

Songs Make me Realize

Alright so you already got  hint of what is happening to me but I'm not going to be specific since you know why. Let's just say I am reconstructing myself for a better me. I am actually preventing myself from spying the lucky guy who messed up with me last four months ago. I know he's a total jerk but I still can't get rid of him in my mind. So what I am into now is a total diversion. Although it's pretty hard on my part too since I am not so feeling well now. I wanted to sink into my therapy which is music.


 


Some says that when you are heartbroken and you listen to songs, you tend to feel worse, you become more gloomy but I think, these songs have a good cure side on my part. I mean music is my life and there's never a day that passes that I never listen to them. When I listened and understand the lyrics, it reminds me of him but on the other hand, I still see light that I will move on from there. Some of these songs below made me realize that, someday, he will be able to feel what I felt when he left me or he let me go for really hurtful and invalid reason.





I swallowed my pride when I profess that he's the only one and tried to save the only little chance to make a better future with him but he took it for granted and didn't act like a man since he got overwhelmed by lots of girls who is after him on a dating site. I mean he's not the most good looking guy on earth and he isn't thinking that these girls and ladyboys who drowns him with so much attention are just like him too. Anyway, he might could just find what he's looking. Although I love him, if he comes back to me I will still accept him but he needs a lot of proving to do along with it.





Okay for this time, no grammar checking for the mean time, lol. my head is still messed up!

Feeding My Ego

What I did yesterday was one of the biggest painful decision I made. It was the 2nd time I beg him to let me go. I wanted him to do it since I think I can't do it. Probably I came to the point of making that decision for me when he keeps on rejecting my plea of him letting me go. I can't find any reason to stay after he broke me. I don't know. Maybe he's just the one who could bring me back but it's too painful to see him with people and take for granted what we had, what I believed he is to me, what I believe he told me, what I believed he had for me, what I believed I make him a better one, what I believed that he loves me.





What I did yesterday took me a million questions for myself if I really want to go and just let him be.  He probably must be laughing, calling me pathetically easy, a drama queen. I can no longer bare how he's giving me away but would still like me sticking around him as his reservation. He probably must be thinking that I don't knew everything. I choose to be blind because I wanted him, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to wait for something much real.



 



It just came to my senses that he just held me in the middle of his palm. How could he told me such words only a true lover could ever say. How could he not stick to what he told me. I choose to linger and didn't bother because I want him, I like him and more. I couldn't find the reason why I chose to be in his virtual life despite he's hurting me every time we exchange thoughts. He changed. He is different. Was it because I profess? What's wrong with me? Was it because he knew it was just him all along? But I am never enough. He can't decide. Why can't he decide when I came to his life when he needed me and stayed.



 



My thoughts are the most messed up, all the things I wanted to let out for relief can't be translated. My chest still hurts. I am angry. I wanted to scream. I have so many questions yet he cannot answer, he cannot tell me. He wanted me to stay but he wouldn't beg me to stay. Maybe that's just it, he isn't the really that into me. He just wanted to play, he wanted to see me miserable. What he did in the past is a role play, plain game. I fell last night wishing the torturing memories expires but it never did. When I woke up this morning, it's still the same. I know this isn't another a girls' monthly sickness. It's all about him and unfortunately, he keeps popping in to my mind.



 




There isn't a day or any single minute that he isn't thought of. What's wrong with me?I can't think of anyone except him. I felt I can't do anything to get through this pain. My friends, my family, a few of them know yet only I knew what's within, only I who knew what I felt for him, how I wanted him so much but I can't. The lies that he made me believe seems so real to me until now. I want to forget him. I want myself back but I want him back to me too. What's keeping me away is I don't want him to hurt me anymore but I still want to be with him. If he could just tell me. If he could just choose me. If he just ever meant what he said from the past.




There's no one else that could help me except him, myself and God. I can do this.