What I did yesterday was one of the biggest painful decision I made. It was the 2nd time I beg him to let me go. I wanted him to do it since I think I can't do it. Probably I came to the point of making that decision for me when he keeps on rejecting my plea of him letting me go. I can't find any reason to stay after he broke me. I don't know. Maybe he's just the one who could bring me back but it's too painful to see him with people and take for granted what we had, what I believed he is to me, what I believe he told me, what I believed he had for me, what I believed I make him a better one, what I believed that he loves me.
What I did yesterday took me a million questions for myself if I really want to go and just let him be. He probably must be laughing, calling me pathetically easy, a drama queen. I can no longer bare how he's giving me away but would still like me sticking around him as his reservation. He probably must be thinking that I don't knew everything. I choose to be blind because I wanted him, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to wait for something much real.
It just came to my senses that he just held me in the middle of his palm. How could he told me such words only a true lover could ever say. How could he not stick to what he told me. I choose to linger and didn't bother because I want him, I like him and more. I couldn't find the reason why I chose to be in his virtual life despite he's hurting me every time we exchange thoughts. He changed. He is different. Was it because I profess? What's wrong with me? Was it because he knew it was just him all along? But I am never enough. He can't decide. Why can't he decide when I came to his life when he needed me and stayed.
My thoughts are the most messed up, all the things I wanted to let out for relief can't be translated. My chest still hurts. I am angry. I wanted to scream. I have so many questions yet he cannot answer, he cannot tell me. He wanted me to stay but he wouldn't beg me to stay. Maybe that's just it, he isn't the really that into me. He just wanted to play, he wanted to see me miserable. What he did in the past is a role play, plain game.
I fell last night wishing the torturing memories expires but it never did. When I woke up this morning, it's still the same. I know this isn't another a girls' monthly sickness. It's all about him and unfortunately, he keeps popping in to my mind.
There isn't a day or any single minute that he isn't thought of. What's wrong with me?I can't think of anyone except him. I felt I can't do anything to get through this pain. My friends, my family, a few of them know yet only I knew what's within, only I who knew what I felt for him, how I wanted him so much but I can't. The lies that he made me believe seems so real to me until now.
I want to forget him. I want myself back but I want him back to me too. What's keeping me away is I don't want him to hurt me anymore but I still want to be with him. If he could just tell me. If he could just choose me. If he just ever meant what he said from the past.
There's no one else that could help me except him, myself and God. I can do this.
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