I have been quite dysfunctional lately. There are so many things that happened. Until now, I can't believe I got myself hurt again from one person for the third major time.I find it hard to move on once again. Why a woman could be so emotionally fragile. If only I could write everything what I am going through right now. It could have atleast take a bit of the pain.
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| When you say, "I LOVE YOU", you are making a promise with someone else's heart. Try to honor it. |
My chest hurts more than my head does. I could have been literally dead by now if I'm not blessedly healthy. For four years I save myself from getting hurt, from being cheated, from self pitying. I believe that somehow, the next person I choose to give my heart to will appreciate me for that. Four years of preparing myself in accepting the next person who walks into my life first whatever the circumstances will be and wherever he came from as long as he'll fully accept me and will make me more than enough for him.
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| Scars speak more loudly than the sword that caused them. |
Four months ago I met someone in a very strange place which I was into a year ago. I believe it's a place worth trying for busy people like me. I met him in a very strange way. Funny he's waving his being "single and ready to mingle meet me somewhere we could talk here ad". He's not the most beautiful guy I've ever seen but he got my attention somehow and luckily I got his. The rest is history. I met him during his loneliest time. I met him in my plain, simple and calm state.
He said he's lonely. He wanted someone to be with him. He said he was cheated. He said he was used. He never promised me but I wanted him to. He said he misses me, he said he wanted to wrap his arms around me, he only sometimes missed to say he loves me before he sleeps. Then he got sick. I prayed. I cried each night. I've been begging Him to get him well.
It's even funny yet annoying when he asked me to marry him on the first day we talked. I hated him a bit for that. I find it plain stupid, unhealthy, discouraging and scary since our culture extremely varies for him to beg me marry him. There is also a time when I joked. "I am clingy," I said. He said " I don't mind, as long as I'm the one being clinged to."
The feeling of being needed by him is the most beautiful thing, special. It is the most real thing I could ever think of among all the realized past yet so torturing, agonizing. When he got sick he said "don't worry about me, I'm strong." I know he is but the idea of him being sick can't get through to my system. I felt shattered. But I trust him and I never doubted his strength. I never doubted.
Maybe I demand so much. I learn to be selfish. I want his time. I hold tight to everything he said. He said "I miss you". He said "I need you." He said "I love you". Then I doubted him. The rest is history. I win him back. I can't go on. I got used to his words. It worries me because he is sick. I worry because I can't bear to see anyone with him. I fear that I'll never talk to him. But I never felt this lonely even I am with him, talking with him. I couldn't understand myself why am I pushing myself to someone who utters empty words. I hungered for his existence, knowing every little details of him that I could reach.
He said he'll wipe all my tears away and he doesn't want me to cry. Doing this is the most painful, reminiscing the past which is actually a total lie. I never knew it is so real that it's buried within me in reality. How can I have a very deep feeling for someone I never even met, touched.
Here I am so wide awake at 2:10 in the morning. Thinking those beautiful lies we've shared. I can't sleep. I can't believe I let him go once again. Will I ever get tired doing this and come back to him again or should this just be forgotten while enduring his absence and will finally moved on and have myself back. I am tired. My heart is tired. But I can never deny what I felt for him is real. He woke me from a deep sleep of loneliness. He help me cured the past wounds. But I can never have him. I can never make him need me the way I long for him, his touch, just him.
I wonder of many of those things you've written in life you actually meant.
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| She just wants to be the girl you talk about. To be the one who makes your heart beat crazy and for you to say to your boys, "She's my baby." |
He said he's lonely. He wanted someone to be with him. He said he was cheated. He said he was used. He never promised me but I wanted him to. He said he misses me, he said he wanted to wrap his arms around me, he only sometimes missed to say he loves me before he sleeps. Then he got sick. I prayed. I cried each night. I've been begging Him to get him well.
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| There shouldn't be levels of honesty "Just honesty." |
It's even funny yet annoying when he asked me to marry him on the first day we talked. I hated him a bit for that. I find it plain stupid, unhealthy, discouraging and scary since our culture extremely varies for him to beg me marry him. There is also a time when I joked. "I am clingy," I said. He said " I don't mind, as long as I'm the one being clinged to."
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| Know you are in love The hardest thing to say is "goodbye." |
The feeling of being needed by him is the most beautiful thing, special. It is the most real thing I could ever think of among all the realized past yet so torturing, agonizing. When he got sick he said "don't worry about me, I'm strong." I know he is but the idea of him being sick can't get through to my system. I felt shattered. But I trust him and I never doubted his strength. I never doubted.
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| It's very easy to say "busy" when someone needs you... But it's very painful to hear "busy" when you need someone. |
Maybe I demand so much. I learn to be selfish. I want his time. I hold tight to everything he said. He said "I miss you". He said "I need you." He said "I love you". Then I doubted him. The rest is history. I win him back. I can't go on. I got used to his words. It worries me because he is sick. I worry because I can't bear to see anyone with him. I fear that I'll never talk to him. But I never felt this lonely even I am with him, talking with him. I couldn't understand myself why am I pushing myself to someone who utters empty words. I hungered for his existence, knowing every little details of him that I could reach.
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| Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's the very moment you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you. |
He said he'll wipe all my tears away and he doesn't want me to cry. Doing this is the most painful, reminiscing the past which is actually a total lie. I never knew it is so real that it's buried within me in reality. How can I have a very deep feeling for someone I never even met, touched.
Here I am so wide awake at 2:10 in the morning. Thinking those beautiful lies we've shared. I can't sleep. I can't believe I let him go once again. Will I ever get tired doing this and come back to him again or should this just be forgotten while enduring his absence and will finally moved on and have myself back. I am tired. My heart is tired. But I can never deny what I felt for him is real. He woke me from a deep sleep of loneliness. He help me cured the past wounds. But I can never have him. I can never make him need me the way I long for him, his touch, just him.
I wonder of many of those things you've written in life you actually meant.
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